i think i am finally figuring out the person i am, and learning to be ok with that person.
my personality type is melancholy. melancholies are introverted, reserved, thoughtful. they are artistic and creative in poetry and art. melancholies tend to worry or focus on problems and the downside of things. they do not do well at social functions. they would much rather spend time alone.
i am not an outgoing person, i am not very social, i love to stay at home and do my own thing. i have friends, and i love them. i love spending time with my family. but I have to force myself to call my friends, go to parties, and invite people over for dinner. I would much rather spend time at home with my husband doing my own thing. my husband is also this way, which works out great.
for a long time, i did not like being this way. i would look at pictures of people on facebook having a good time without me, and i sometimes felt left out. not because i was never invited to have fun with my friends, or never talked to anyone or participated. i do all those things. i am pretty quirky and 0fun-loving. no, i felt left out because, while i can handle being alone, i felt like i was supposed to behave like everyone else. i felt as if, because i would rather be alone, something was wrong with me and i had to "fix" myself and adapt to a more social personality. i compared myself to people i considered popular and "cool". i wanted to be the person everyone wanted to talk to, everyone wanted to hang out with, the cool blogger, the talented artist.
now, i know more about who i am and who i want to be. i can still feel that left out, uncomfortable feeling from time to time. i don't think there's an answer, those feelings will probably always rise. but i now know the good side of my personality. i am artistic. i am a thinker. i can understand the deep meaning behind poetry and abstract art. i can empathize with people who are hurting and be the listener they need. there are traits in me that i don't see in many people, and it makes me special.
it is not important to me if i have a bunch of blog followers leaving dozens of comments. it doesn't matter if i have 400 friends on facebook. it is not important to me if people tell me i'm special or not. i know who i am and i know whose i am. i am God's. i am content to be the person sitting in the corner watching everyone have conversations. that's part of the reason i write blog posts so sparingly, or don't go to every social gathering. i don't have to.
God has a ministry just for me, people only i can reach through my own words and my own personality. every person has insecurities, every person feels the struggle to accept their own body and mind, and struggles to step into the ministry God has for them. but we cannot be afraid to be that person. we cannot compare ourselves to someone else, because we are not that person and will never be. we are only the person we are, and we can either expend our brainpower on being the best "me," or we can waste precious time trying to change our likes and dislikes and interests to copy the person we want to be. which dosn't work!
there are plenty of sanguine, social butterflies out there. i truly love those kind of people. i don't understand them, and they don't understand me, but it's ok. i still like having them as friends. the world takes all kinds of people. the kingdom of God takes all kinds of personalities to spread the Word.
if you are struggling within yourself to accept the person inside you, whoever that may be, i want to encourage you that you don't have to. you just have to let go of yourself. there is no formula. there is no "how-to" on accepting your own quirks. you just have to purpose in your mind to learn about yourself. one day, you will figure it out and all those pieces click and you find you love who you are because you have character traits that make you special, and distinct from everyone else in a good way. then you can love you for you.
*i know this was really long, if you read this far, thank you!*